Wow. I am so at a loss right now. Without going into the details, my husband Mark and I had an argument on Thursday about money and chores. I let my anger and temper get the better of me and I said something to my husband that he says "broke" him. He has informed me that it's too late. He won't be accepting my apology. He's also told me that he has obligations to fulfill and then he will make up his mind about divorcing me. He didn't ask outright for a divorce but he has made it clear that he no longer cares what I think or feel and has no desire to be with me or even speak with me. So there we have it. Just like that he's throwing it away. I've made it super clear that I don't believe in divorce and I won't give up on him or our marriage. The simple fact is that I can't stop him from divorcing me. Since he is not saved he doesn't have the same set of moral standards that I do.
This is really hard. I currently feel like a prisoner in our home. The silence is physically painful.
I'm currently doing what I always do. Speaking with my dear friends and mentors. Asking for prayers. Most importantly I am praying. I am giving it fully to God for He is the ultimate healer. He is the only one who loves me completely and unconditionally. For that I am SUPER grateful and encouraged. I know he's holding me right now. I am being still and listening for his plans.
It's funny how easy it is to fall into a comfortable rut and not think about God. Ultimately, it's foolish. Don't get me wrong. I pray all the time. I read my Bible. I go to church. But I become complacent. I start relying on my own "wisdom" instead of relying fully on Him. I'm so very blessed by the people in my life and I'm grateful. But ultimately I need to continue to fully rely on God.
So here I am, driven to my knees once again by the sorrow and heartbreak that comes along with the rough patches in marriage. And you know what. I'm joyful in knowing that I can trust God fully and that he will see me through.
Praise God for the hard stuff!
On the food as my functional savior front. I've been doing pretty well. And then today, we had our final team meal that we earned for performance. I made this order before I faced up to reality and had completely forgotten about it. Everyone had pre-ordered 3 tacos plus guacamole and queso and cookies I had completely forgotten. I sat there at my desk and ate all three tacos and queso and guac. I didn't eat the cookie though. That's good right? I have such horrible habits! I did it without even thinking about it, just ate what I was given. When I was done I felt really gross. That's the most I've eaten in days. I realized what I was done and I was horrified. I immediate went to be alone and prayed and asked God to forgive me for using food to gain happiness and asked that instead He teach me to rely on Him for happiness. I know I'll stumble and fall. But I know that God will always pick me up and brush me off.
Until next time.
