So Confusing

Well I weighed myself this morning. I was completely unsure what to expect. I've been following my eating plan to the letter. I've been hitting step goal every day. But my stress level has been high. Imagine my surprise when I had not only lost the 4.5lbs I gained back but then some! I've hit 25lbs lost. What!?!?

Starting weight: 314
Current weight: 289

My wedding ring should fit again soon!!!

Back Sliding

Wow. Who knew that putting your house up for sale would make you totally be ridiculous on your eating plan. Not this girl. I'm going to own it. I have been cheating quite often this past few weeks. I've eaten out. I've eaten dessert. I've not made good choices. I've gained 4.5 lbs back.

I've started anew today. I fell down. I could blame circumstances but it's my failure. I'm back on track and more determined than ever.

Still a big difference between day 1 and day 60.

I can do this with God's strength and not my own.

Old Habits Die Hard

So last week I was very I'll with a virus that had me running a fever for five days. Being down for the count I really only ate one meal a day and it was something I could, order in or get at a drive through. Not good.  I didn't gain any weight but I didn't lose any more either.  

I've hit the ground running hard core this week. 

I know everyone falls off the wagon sometimes but I'm seriously angry with myself.  I really hate that I continue to sin. I let the devil and his ideas creep in and just take over. 

Prayers appreciated. I can do this. Lord give me strength. 

Thirty Days Into My New Life

It's been challenging. I've chosen to cheat a few times as I'm supposed to. I feel wonderful. I WANT to keep going!

Starting weight: 314
Current weight: 296
Goal weight: 175
Total lost: 18

I can do this. I am worth it.

Praise be to God for giving me the strength, will, and determination to do this. I am slowly but surely repairing His temple.

Vacation

Vacations are hard on reading habits. Man Alive. I actually stayed pretty close two ox the three days but last night I have info a craving and ate potato chips. Tonight for dinner I had a burger and a shake. If have been okay without the shake. I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself right now. Blah.

Father God forgive me for my sin. Give me the strength and the power of your will to do the right thing.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get back to it hard core. I can do this.

Goals

Let's be real for a minute here. We all need goals in life right? Something we work for and attain and reward ourselves with? Yea, we sure do. I've been thinking a lot about my goals through this life change.  So here they are in order in which I hope to attain them. And one that was an unplanned, unintended, but awesome consequence of my life change choices.

1. To fit into my wedding ring again. I got to fat to wear it about 6 months or so ago.  I figure I need to get back down into the 280's for it to fit again.
Reward: Getting to wear that beautiful piece of jewelry again. It means a lot to me as a symbol of my commitment to Mark.

2. To be able to fit in my size 22 clothes again.  I've ballooned up to size 26 in the past year.
Reward: Have a better choice of clothes to wear.


I haven't picked any mid range goals yet, I figure they'll present themselves to me as I achieve #1 and #2

3. To be able to fit in the rides at Six Flags
Reward: Trip to Six Flags over Arlington. My pal Meredith said she was game for making a trip out of it!

4. To be a size 12 or less.  I want to be able to walk into a normal clothing store and buy something off the rack.


That's where I'm at right now.  I know all of these goals are completely within reach.

Now for the unplanned goal I'm not even going to number it because it's happening every single day! I've grown closer to God.  Every day I have a moment of weakness where I want that diet coke, or I want that slice of chocolate mousse pie. I stop, I pray. I ask God to help me remember that He's all I need. I ask that he give me peace and take the urge away. And you know what? He does. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. How amazing is this God I love?

Realizations

I'm almost two weeks into this new life.  There are some major realizations I've come to.

1. Cheating, while it's okay once in a while and sounds awesome and even tastes great. The aftermath, is not worth it. I had my first cheat meal on 6/15 and spent the whole rest of the night miserable. Don't think I'll be doing that again any time soon.

2.  I now crave water.  First thing I want when I get up in the morning is water.  Who'd have thunk?

3. I'm no longer craving sweets.  Last week I took Round Rock Donuts to my team at the Domain, at their request, and the smell of those things in the car made me nauseous. 

4. Baked chicken sorta sucks, I need to find better things to do with it. 

5. I actually want to exercise. If you'd told me a few weeks ago that having a fitbit would be motivating I would have laughed at you. But truly, hitting that step goal each day is fulfilling.

6. Changing habits is hard.  It's so easy to run to food for comfort and convenience. Now, instead, each time I have those moments of weakness, I stop, I make myself still. I pray.  It tunes me back into my Heavenly Father and keeps me on track and at peace.  

This is real y'all. I can do this. I will do this. My temple will be made whole again through the grace of God.

Day 1 vs Day 6

So with this plan, you're supposed to take a picture on the morning of Day 1 and then again on the morning of Day 6.

So here you go:

To say I'm stunned by the difference doesn't even begin to describe it. I swear I'm not sucking in or doing anything aside from just standing there.

God truly is good, all the time. Period.

Starting Weight: 314

Current Weight 307

Say what?

So I had to go to urgent care because I thought I broke my toe. While I was there the curiosity got the better of me. So...I weighed myself. In less than four days I'm down seven pounds already. Say what???  I'm so excited! 

Also, I should share that the hubby has been great of late. He's been very supportive of my life change and just being nice in general. I'm so grateful.

God truly is good in all things.

Oh and my toe isn't broken just very sprained.

Adjustments

Well, I'm full swing into day 3 of my new life.

So far the hardest parts are waiting until 10am to eat breakfast, drinking 150oz of water and the frequent bathroom trips that causes and having to eat all meals/snacks in an 8 hour window.

So far the plan has been easy to follow and I feel really good.

I've also been doing a daily challenge with my friend Stephanie on my fitbit.  That's kept me motivated. I've also been getting daily cheerleading from my friend Renee. Which is  awesome.

I'll be frank though, last night was a struggle. It wasn't at all that I was hungry, because I wasn't.  I was craving something sweet.  I really badly wanted to go get some frozen custard. I talked myself out of it and I prayed that it would pass.  It did and instead I got out of bed and walked around my house until I hit my step goal for the day. Then I went back to bed.

I think I really need an exercise buddy.  I did my 20 minutes of cardio on Wednesday and I'll do 20 minutes tonight after work too.

Sleep has been elusive the last two nights and I'm not quite sure why. Here's hoping that my body adjusts sooner rather than later.

I can do this!  Praise God for giving me motivation, determination and will power.

Today is the Day

This is it.

Today I will drink 150 oz of water.
Today I will eat 3 very balanced meals and 2 snacks within an 8 hour period.
Today I will exercise for 30 minutes.

This morning I sat on the couch in the dark living room and prayed to God that from this day on I will seek him for comfort instead of eating. I prayed that I would be able to restore my body, His temple, to a fit and healthy state.

Here goes something big.

Weight: 314

The journey begins

On Wednesday this week I will begin a new eating and exercise plan. I'm not going to share yet what it is because I want to see for myself first if it actually works or not. I'm sorry stoked about it because it seems like it will be fairly easy to follow and it has worked amazingly well for two of my family members.

I need support through this and will get some through the program but I'm hoping to find an accountability partner. The hardest part for me will be forcing myself to exercise.

I know I can handle the planning ahead and prepping stuff.

Hard will be giving up the convenience of eating out.

Hard will be giving up my selfishness and self reliance and instead depending on my true saviour and giving up my functional saviour.

Will you pray for me?

Will you drop me an email or text me and check on me and encourage me on this path?

I know I can do this. I know it's time.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

How true this verse is. On every level. In every way. In ALL things.

How blessed am I to be a child of God? How lucky am I to be redeemed?

I'll post a before pic soon.

Thanks!

I'm pretty sure I may be the only person who hates Mother's Day.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom and I'm so grateful for ask she's done for me and how she and dad raised me. But for me personally this day sucks. I'm forty years old now. I suffer from POS. I am a liver cancer survivor. I'm diabetic. While I am physically capable of bearing a child my oncologist and endocrinologist say the chances of me dying from it are about 90%. So needless to say we've opted not to risk it.

This was a difficult and emotional decision. I still get sad sometimes.

I get support tired of people saying "Why don't you adopt?" SO many reasons. Cost, no judge will give someone with my medical history a kid. And frankly with the instability of my marriage I don't feel right bringing a child into this.

The hardest part is my mom. She just refuses to understand. I've come right out and said to get "it's me or a grandbaby." She still didn't get it. I feel like she thinks I'm just being selfish. Maybe I am. But I don't think it would be very responsible of me to bring a child into this world and force Mark to raise that child alone. So yea I'm selfish alright.

Gah! Love and appreciate your mom every day. Why just one day a year.

Okay going back to my corner now.

I feel the need to be grateful

I'm going to take my own advice here and make a list of things I'm grateful for.

1. My salvation
2. Sunshine
3. My dogs
4. My job
5. My parents
6. The smell in the air after a thunderstorm
7. Star Gazer lillies
8. PBJ sandwiches.

I'll keep adding to the list as I think of other things.

What are you grateful for?

I Give Up

I'm just done. I can't take the emotional and verbal abuse anymore. I'm fed up with being held emotionally  hostage. I'm tired of nothing I say or do being right or good enough  I'm tired of the oh poor me attitude. I'm tired of the silent treatment. I'm over not being loved, cared for, appreciated or respected. I'm tired of being taken for granted and then when I make any sort of mistake being verbally and emotionally attacked. I'm just done. 

Am I perfect? No. Do I say things in anger I shouldn't? Yes. Do I feel bad about it and apologize? Yes. 

I'm human, I'm flawed, I'm a sinner. 

I really do everything I can to try to make his life better and easier. I try to be a good wife. It's just not enough. He's so lost and mired down in his sin and unfrgiveness and depression that he either doesn't see how he hurts me or he just doesn't care. I don't know which is worse. 

It's apparently too much to ask oh him to be loved, flaws and all. 

Father God please give me strength and patience and a forgiving heart. Please break his heart and bring him to his knees before you. Heal his brokenness with the ultimate salvation. Please father, before he breaks me permanently.  Please father take this broken heart and bruised emotions and make them whole again. I am weak and you are strong. I need you as always. Amen. 

Words Can Hurt

Think before you speak. What you say DOES matter. 

Words can hurt more deeply than you know. I don't understand how people don't take other peoples feelings into consideration. Maybe I was just raised differently. I care how people feel. When I say something out of anger or inappropriate I immediately feel bad and I apologize. 

Verbal and emotional abuse suck. I'm not perfect. I've said hurtful things out of anger. I've never called a person I love stupid, let alone in public, not over a silly game. It hurts.  I'm not stupid. I deserve an apology. I highly doubt I'll ever get it. I've asked for it. So far I'm being proved right. 

I really feel like he's purposefully punishing me. -sigh-

Rereading this I think I may be having a bit of a pity party. But you know what? We all deserve a bit of that from time to time. 

Mark is my mission field. Mark is my mission field. Mark is my mission field.  This is my mantra. 

Please God help me to love him and see him like You do. Please God break his heart and bring him to his knees and to You. This is my daily, hourly prayer. 

I confess that the last couple of days I've been comfort eating. I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast yesterday. I has a big grab bag of potato chips today. I stumble and fall. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, pick myself up, give it back to God and start again tomorrow. 

I want to leave y'all with this thought. Please don't take the people who love you for granted. Tell them you love them, hold their hand. Hug them and kiss them. Tell them thank you. Do things for them in return. Bring them flowers. Acknowledge their love for you and all they do for you, even, maybe especially, the small things. Feeling unappreciated, unnoticed, unwanted and unloved sucks. 

God bless each of you. I want y'all to know that I love you. I appreciate all the prayers and words if encouragement. What a blessing you are. 

Special thanks to my community group for being real and available and making my life better. 

Until next time. 

The Struggle is Real

I'm laying here in bed. Have been for the last hour. Feeling restless and annoyed. You know what I want to do right now? I want to go out and get something to eat. Ridiculous!  

I've been doing pretty well in the last week eating well. Only had one day over my calorie budget. Eating out is tough. Today I'm 88 calories under. Go me. Right?  I'm not feeling very good about it. I'm disappointed in myself. Gah, wish I could pin point why I'm struggling today. Ah well. I'll just do my best to go to sleep after praying some more. 

On a happier note. I won a pretty great award at work! It's called the HomeAway Getaway Award and it's for exemplary service above and beyond the call of duty. I earned $500 toward a getaway of my choice. Super surprised, humbled, honored and even a little proud. It's a good feeling to know my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. It feels really good to be appreciated. 

I'm sad that my husband had basically no reaction. I wanted him to be excited and proud of me. If he was it sure didn't show. Maybe that's why I'm out if sorts. Blah. 

Well that's it for now. Until next time. 

Feeling Frustrated

Do you ever wake up and just feel annoyed from the moment you wake up?

I slept to the alarm today. That rarely ever happens. I go downstairs to discover that Comet has not only pooped in the living room but peed in Riley's bowl. I am so over it. I wiped out the bowl, purposefully not washing it so he could smell his own pee and put his food in it. Let him see how he likes it. Gah!!!

Get to work and step right into an escalation and have to cover for another lead who can't be bothered to come to work. 

In the meantime I tell my hubby about what happened with comment and ask his opinion about it and he replies with "my opinion doesn't matter." So I responded with "Yes it does. And I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know." And then I decided it's not worth the battle right now. I can't make him love himself. So not what I needed. I really didn't want to deal with his issues this morning too. Praying so hard.

Lord give me strength. 

I will keep smiling and keep excelling. 

Lifestyle change is going well. I am so tempted to emotional eat right now but by the grace of God I am resisting.

Why is it SO hard to get motivated to exercise? Anyone have any ideas?

Until next time.

Reality is Harsh

Last week I went to marriage counseling with Chris Plekenpol. Talk about enlightening. Everything he had to say was spot on. It felt good to hear that for the most part I am doing things well. In spite of not really having my needs met. I now have a better understanding of how to communicate and where I'm falling down. 

I've come to the conclusion that this is one of the big reasons I eat. My physical and emotions needs are not being met. My husband isn't saved. We live by different moral standards. He is good at providing for us.  I feel a lot if the time though that it's grudgingly and he holds it over my head and we fight about it. He protects me really well. He protects me from people who would hurt me and even from myself. He's good at it. Pursuing me, yea not so much. He withholds affection and love and sex. That's hard. That's why I comfort eat. 

I'm slowly learning that my comfort must come from The Lord. He is all I need. 

We fought again tonight. Over finances yet again. It truly felt like he was looking for a fight, assuming  the worst of me, then just losing it. For the life of me I'll never understand his fits of rage. I couldn't help it tonight I just stood in the kitchen and watched him have his tantrum and I just laughed. It was ridiculous. I said to him I wish you could see yourself right now. Probably completely the wrong thing to say but it was the truth and really how I was feeling. 

So I'll wait and see how long he's going to give me the silent treatment this time. I feel sad for him. He's missing out on our life. I pray continually, first and foremost, for his salvation. I pray continually that I can be what he needs without compromising my beliefs.

I'll keep fighting the good fight. I will find joy in these trials as they bring me closer to my Savior. I will strive to remember that my home is my mission field. 

I will keep turning to God for all my needs. 

Thanks for reading. 

Wow!

I'm at the doctor's office for semi-annual lab work for my diabetes. I snuck in the back and weighed myself. I'm down nine pounds in a little less than two weeks!!! Wow! Eating right really does help. Praise God for all those little moments of will power.

Starting weight: 315
Current weight: 304
Goal weight:175

Counting My Blessings

Last night was hard. The silence continues. I now know why at least. It hurts me. I cry. I pray. I cry again.

God is good. All things work to his glory. I will smile through this because I know that I was not made for this world. Thus pain and hurt are temporary and no matter the outcome I'll be right where God wants me to be.

So as a  exercise of faith and being grateful for all things God has done I'm going to list things I'm grateful for.

1. My salvation and a living God.
2. The wonderful friends God had or in my path.
3. A career I love that keeps me busy throughout the day and provides for my financial needs.
4. My health. I am alive and well for another day and fighting the good fight.
5. My husband. We have our issues. Who doesn't? I love him for who he is, broken, flawed, tender hearted, generous, stubborn sinner.
6. My parents. They too have their flaws but are irreplaceable.
7. My fur babies. The only beings on this earth who love me unconditionally.
8. The rain.

My life change on the food getting is going well. I'm managing to resist the food temptations through the grace of God. He really does answer prayers. I started using my fitness pal again to track my food and exercise. Now I just need to actually start exercising again.

That's it for now. My love to y'all.

Small Victories

Last week I bought a chocolate cake parfait for me and red velvet for Mark. I have no appetite right now. I was about to eat mine for dinner. Instead from God above I got a sudden jolt of NO!!  I threw it and Mark's in the trash and the last couple of brownies from last week.

I did it. No will power. Comfort eater me. I DID IT.

Thank you God for giving me the strength.

Out of Left Field

Wow. I am so at a loss right now.  Without going into the details, my husband Mark and I had an argument on Thursday about money and chores. I let my anger and temper get the better of me and I said something to my husband that he says "broke" him. He has informed me that it's too late. He won't be accepting my apology. He's also told me that he has obligations to fulfill and then he will make up his mind about divorcing me. He didn't ask outright for a divorce but he has made it clear that he no longer cares what I think or feel and has no desire to be with me or even speak with me. So there we have it. Just like that he's throwing it away.  I've made it super clear that I don't believe in divorce and I won't give up on him or our marriage.  The simple fact is that I can't stop him from divorcing me. Since he is not saved he doesn't have the same set of moral standards that I do.

This is really hard. I currently feel like a prisoner in our home.  The silence is physically painful.

I'm currently doing what I always do. Speaking with my dear friends and mentors. Asking for prayers. Most importantly I am praying. I am giving it fully to God for He is the ultimate healer. He is the only one who loves me completely and unconditionally. For that I am SUPER grateful and encouraged. I know he's holding me right now. I am being still and listening for his plans.

It's funny how easy it is to fall into a comfortable rut and not think about God. Ultimately, it's foolish. Don't get me wrong. I pray all the time. I read my Bible. I go to church.  But I become complacent. I start relying on my own "wisdom" instead of relying fully on Him.  I'm so very blessed by the people in my life and I'm grateful. But ultimately I need to continue to fully rely on God.

So here I am, driven to my knees once again by the sorrow and heartbreak that comes along with the rough patches in marriage. And you know what. I'm joyful in knowing that I can trust God fully and that he will see me through.

Praise God for the hard stuff!


On the food as my functional savior front. I've been doing pretty well. And then today, we had our final team meal that we earned for performance. I made this order before I faced up to reality and had completely forgotten about it. Everyone had pre-ordered 3 tacos plus guacamole and queso and cookies  I had completely forgotten.  I sat there at my desk and ate all three tacos and queso and guac. I didn't eat the cookie though. That's good right?  I have such horrible habits! I did it without even thinking about it, just ate what I was given.  When I was done I felt really gross. That's the most I've eaten in days.  I realized what I was done and I was horrified. I immediate went to be alone and prayed and asked God to forgive me for using food to gain happiness and asked that instead He teach me to rely on Him for happiness.  I know I'll stumble and fall. But I know that God will always pick me up and brush me off.

Until next time.

Confession Time

Food is my functional savior.  I rely on food to make me happy when I'm sad. I rely on food to be friend when I feel like I have no friends. I rely on food to cope when I'm hurt or upset.  Food is my functional savior.

I am not healthy. I weigh more today than I have ever weighed in my life. I'm tired all the time. I have zero motivation to exercise. I have diabetes.

I have been praying for a while now for God to give me the strength to change. You know what? He is, I just have to listen.  I've been eating smaller portions of healthy choices. When my sprained ankle is completely healed I'll start walking again.

I've battled myself, even this morning to not make poor choices. I will not lie, it's an hourly struggle because the temptations are all there.  I could easily have stopped at Whataburger this morning for one of those delicious honey butter chicken biscuits. I REALLY wanted to. I was craving it. I didn't do it. Instead I'm sitting here at my desk at work eating raw veggies and hummus for breakfast.

It's hard when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable not to use food as a coping mechanism. Even as I sit here and type this I feel like such a jerk. How on Earth could I ever willingly put food above God? What is wrong with me?  Simply put I' a sinner. I stumble. I fall. I stink at being a Christian.  But you know what? I can and will do better. You know why? Because I'm forgiven.

I've decided I am going to share my journey for several reasons.

1. I felt led to by God. So here I am.
2. I need to be transparent in my faith and in my struggles.
3. I need the accountability.
4. Maybe God will use my struggles to inspire someone else.

So here I am, laying it all out there for the world to see.

Starting weight: 315lbs
Goal Weight: 175lbs.

The journey of life change begins now.

Food will NOT be my functional savior.

Until next time.