Reality is Harsh

Last week I went to marriage counseling with Chris Plekenpol. Talk about enlightening. Everything he had to say was spot on. It felt good to hear that for the most part I am doing things well. In spite of not really having my needs met. I now have a better understanding of how to communicate and where I'm falling down. 

I've come to the conclusion that this is one of the big reasons I eat. My physical and emotions needs are not being met. My husband isn't saved. We live by different moral standards. He is good at providing for us.  I feel a lot if the time though that it's grudgingly and he holds it over my head and we fight about it. He protects me really well. He protects me from people who would hurt me and even from myself. He's good at it. Pursuing me, yea not so much. He withholds affection and love and sex. That's hard. That's why I comfort eat. 

I'm slowly learning that my comfort must come from The Lord. He is all I need. 

We fought again tonight. Over finances yet again. It truly felt like he was looking for a fight, assuming  the worst of me, then just losing it. For the life of me I'll never understand his fits of rage. I couldn't help it tonight I just stood in the kitchen and watched him have his tantrum and I just laughed. It was ridiculous. I said to him I wish you could see yourself right now. Probably completely the wrong thing to say but it was the truth and really how I was feeling. 

So I'll wait and see how long he's going to give me the silent treatment this time. I feel sad for him. He's missing out on our life. I pray continually, first and foremost, for his salvation. I pray continually that I can be what he needs without compromising my beliefs.

I'll keep fighting the good fight. I will find joy in these trials as they bring me closer to my Savior. I will strive to remember that my home is my mission field. 

I will keep turning to God for all my needs. 

Thanks for reading. 

Wow!

I'm at the doctor's office for semi-annual lab work for my diabetes. I snuck in the back and weighed myself. I'm down nine pounds in a little less than two weeks!!! Wow! Eating right really does help. Praise God for all those little moments of will power.

Starting weight: 315
Current weight: 304
Goal weight:175

Counting My Blessings

Last night was hard. The silence continues. I now know why at least. It hurts me. I cry. I pray. I cry again.

God is good. All things work to his glory. I will smile through this because I know that I was not made for this world. Thus pain and hurt are temporary and no matter the outcome I'll be right where God wants me to be.

So as a  exercise of faith and being grateful for all things God has done I'm going to list things I'm grateful for.

1. My salvation and a living God.
2. The wonderful friends God had or in my path.
3. A career I love that keeps me busy throughout the day and provides for my financial needs.
4. My health. I am alive and well for another day and fighting the good fight.
5. My husband. We have our issues. Who doesn't? I love him for who he is, broken, flawed, tender hearted, generous, stubborn sinner.
6. My parents. They too have their flaws but are irreplaceable.
7. My fur babies. The only beings on this earth who love me unconditionally.
8. The rain.

My life change on the food getting is going well. I'm managing to resist the food temptations through the grace of God. He really does answer prayers. I started using my fitness pal again to track my food and exercise. Now I just need to actually start exercising again.

That's it for now. My love to y'all.

Small Victories

Last week I bought a chocolate cake parfait for me and red velvet for Mark. I have no appetite right now. I was about to eat mine for dinner. Instead from God above I got a sudden jolt of NO!!  I threw it and Mark's in the trash and the last couple of brownies from last week.

I did it. No will power. Comfort eater me. I DID IT.

Thank you God for giving me the strength.

Out of Left Field

Wow. I am so at a loss right now.  Without going into the details, my husband Mark and I had an argument on Thursday about money and chores. I let my anger and temper get the better of me and I said something to my husband that he says "broke" him. He has informed me that it's too late. He won't be accepting my apology. He's also told me that he has obligations to fulfill and then he will make up his mind about divorcing me. He didn't ask outright for a divorce but he has made it clear that he no longer cares what I think or feel and has no desire to be with me or even speak with me. So there we have it. Just like that he's throwing it away.  I've made it super clear that I don't believe in divorce and I won't give up on him or our marriage.  The simple fact is that I can't stop him from divorcing me. Since he is not saved he doesn't have the same set of moral standards that I do.

This is really hard. I currently feel like a prisoner in our home.  The silence is physically painful.

I'm currently doing what I always do. Speaking with my dear friends and mentors. Asking for prayers. Most importantly I am praying. I am giving it fully to God for He is the ultimate healer. He is the only one who loves me completely and unconditionally. For that I am SUPER grateful and encouraged. I know he's holding me right now. I am being still and listening for his plans.

It's funny how easy it is to fall into a comfortable rut and not think about God. Ultimately, it's foolish. Don't get me wrong. I pray all the time. I read my Bible. I go to church.  But I become complacent. I start relying on my own "wisdom" instead of relying fully on Him.  I'm so very blessed by the people in my life and I'm grateful. But ultimately I need to continue to fully rely on God.

So here I am, driven to my knees once again by the sorrow and heartbreak that comes along with the rough patches in marriage. And you know what. I'm joyful in knowing that I can trust God fully and that he will see me through.

Praise God for the hard stuff!


On the food as my functional savior front. I've been doing pretty well. And then today, we had our final team meal that we earned for performance. I made this order before I faced up to reality and had completely forgotten about it. Everyone had pre-ordered 3 tacos plus guacamole and queso and cookies  I had completely forgotten.  I sat there at my desk and ate all three tacos and queso and guac. I didn't eat the cookie though. That's good right?  I have such horrible habits! I did it without even thinking about it, just ate what I was given.  When I was done I felt really gross. That's the most I've eaten in days.  I realized what I was done and I was horrified. I immediate went to be alone and prayed and asked God to forgive me for using food to gain happiness and asked that instead He teach me to rely on Him for happiness.  I know I'll stumble and fall. But I know that God will always pick me up and brush me off.

Until next time.

Confession Time

Food is my functional savior.  I rely on food to make me happy when I'm sad. I rely on food to be friend when I feel like I have no friends. I rely on food to cope when I'm hurt or upset.  Food is my functional savior.

I am not healthy. I weigh more today than I have ever weighed in my life. I'm tired all the time. I have zero motivation to exercise. I have diabetes.

I have been praying for a while now for God to give me the strength to change. You know what? He is, I just have to listen.  I've been eating smaller portions of healthy choices. When my sprained ankle is completely healed I'll start walking again.

I've battled myself, even this morning to not make poor choices. I will not lie, it's an hourly struggle because the temptations are all there.  I could easily have stopped at Whataburger this morning for one of those delicious honey butter chicken biscuits. I REALLY wanted to. I was craving it. I didn't do it. Instead I'm sitting here at my desk at work eating raw veggies and hummus for breakfast.

It's hard when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable not to use food as a coping mechanism. Even as I sit here and type this I feel like such a jerk. How on Earth could I ever willingly put food above God? What is wrong with me?  Simply put I' a sinner. I stumble. I fall. I stink at being a Christian.  But you know what? I can and will do better. You know why? Because I'm forgiven.

I've decided I am going to share my journey for several reasons.

1. I felt led to by God. So here I am.
2. I need to be transparent in my faith and in my struggles.
3. I need the accountability.
4. Maybe God will use my struggles to inspire someone else.

So here I am, laying it all out there for the world to see.

Starting weight: 315lbs
Goal Weight: 175lbs.

The journey of life change begins now.

Food will NOT be my functional savior.

Until next time.