I'm pretty sure I may be the only person who hates Mother's Day.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom and I'm so grateful for ask she's done for me and how she and dad raised me. But for me personally this day sucks. I'm forty years old now. I suffer from POS. I am a liver cancer survivor. I'm diabetic. While I am physically capable of bearing a child my oncologist and endocrinologist say the chances of me dying from it are about 90%. So needless to say we've opted not to risk it.

This was a difficult and emotional decision. I still get sad sometimes.

I get support tired of people saying "Why don't you adopt?" SO many reasons. Cost, no judge will give someone with my medical history a kid. And frankly with the instability of my marriage I don't feel right bringing a child into this.

The hardest part is my mom. She just refuses to understand. I've come right out and said to get "it's me or a grandbaby." She still didn't get it. I feel like she thinks I'm just being selfish. Maybe I am. But I don't think it would be very responsible of me to bring a child into this world and force Mark to raise that child alone. So yea I'm selfish alright.

Gah! Love and appreciate your mom every day. Why just one day a year.

Okay going back to my corner now.

I feel the need to be grateful

I'm going to take my own advice here and make a list of things I'm grateful for.

1. My salvation
2. Sunshine
3. My dogs
4. My job
5. My parents
6. The smell in the air after a thunderstorm
7. Star Gazer lillies
8. PBJ sandwiches.

I'll keep adding to the list as I think of other things.

What are you grateful for?

I Give Up

I'm just done. I can't take the emotional and verbal abuse anymore. I'm fed up with being held emotionally  hostage. I'm tired of nothing I say or do being right or good enough  I'm tired of the oh poor me attitude. I'm tired of the silent treatment. I'm over not being loved, cared for, appreciated or respected. I'm tired of being taken for granted and then when I make any sort of mistake being verbally and emotionally attacked. I'm just done. 

Am I perfect? No. Do I say things in anger I shouldn't? Yes. Do I feel bad about it and apologize? Yes. 

I'm human, I'm flawed, I'm a sinner. 

I really do everything I can to try to make his life better and easier. I try to be a good wife. It's just not enough. He's so lost and mired down in his sin and unfrgiveness and depression that he either doesn't see how he hurts me or he just doesn't care. I don't know which is worse. 

It's apparently too much to ask oh him to be loved, flaws and all. 

Father God please give me strength and patience and a forgiving heart. Please break his heart and bring him to his knees before you. Heal his brokenness with the ultimate salvation. Please father, before he breaks me permanently.  Please father take this broken heart and bruised emotions and make them whole again. I am weak and you are strong. I need you as always. Amen. 

Words Can Hurt

Think before you speak. What you say DOES matter. 

Words can hurt more deeply than you know. I don't understand how people don't take other peoples feelings into consideration. Maybe I was just raised differently. I care how people feel. When I say something out of anger or inappropriate I immediately feel bad and I apologize. 

Verbal and emotional abuse suck. I'm not perfect. I've said hurtful things out of anger. I've never called a person I love stupid, let alone in public, not over a silly game. It hurts.  I'm not stupid. I deserve an apology. I highly doubt I'll ever get it. I've asked for it. So far I'm being proved right. 

I really feel like he's purposefully punishing me. -sigh-

Rereading this I think I may be having a bit of a pity party. But you know what? We all deserve a bit of that from time to time. 

Mark is my mission field. Mark is my mission field. Mark is my mission field.  This is my mantra. 

Please God help me to love him and see him like You do. Please God break his heart and bring him to his knees and to You. This is my daily, hourly prayer. 

I confess that the last couple of days I've been comfort eating. I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast yesterday. I has a big grab bag of potato chips today. I stumble and fall. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, pick myself up, give it back to God and start again tomorrow. 

I want to leave y'all with this thought. Please don't take the people who love you for granted. Tell them you love them, hold their hand. Hug them and kiss them. Tell them thank you. Do things for them in return. Bring them flowers. Acknowledge their love for you and all they do for you, even, maybe especially, the small things. Feeling unappreciated, unnoticed, unwanted and unloved sucks. 

God bless each of you. I want y'all to know that I love you. I appreciate all the prayers and words if encouragement. What a blessing you are. 

Special thanks to my community group for being real and available and making my life better. 

Until next time. 

The Struggle is Real

I'm laying here in bed. Have been for the last hour. Feeling restless and annoyed. You know what I want to do right now? I want to go out and get something to eat. Ridiculous!  

I've been doing pretty well in the last week eating well. Only had one day over my calorie budget. Eating out is tough. Today I'm 88 calories under. Go me. Right?  I'm not feeling very good about it. I'm disappointed in myself. Gah, wish I could pin point why I'm struggling today. Ah well. I'll just do my best to go to sleep after praying some more. 

On a happier note. I won a pretty great award at work! It's called the HomeAway Getaway Award and it's for exemplary service above and beyond the call of duty. I earned $500 toward a getaway of my choice. Super surprised, humbled, honored and even a little proud. It's a good feeling to know my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. It feels really good to be appreciated. 

I'm sad that my husband had basically no reaction. I wanted him to be excited and proud of me. If he was it sure didn't show. Maybe that's why I'm out if sorts. Blah. 

Well that's it for now. Until next time. 

Feeling Frustrated

Do you ever wake up and just feel annoyed from the moment you wake up?

I slept to the alarm today. That rarely ever happens. I go downstairs to discover that Comet has not only pooped in the living room but peed in Riley's bowl. I am so over it. I wiped out the bowl, purposefully not washing it so he could smell his own pee and put his food in it. Let him see how he likes it. Gah!!!

Get to work and step right into an escalation and have to cover for another lead who can't be bothered to come to work. 

In the meantime I tell my hubby about what happened with comment and ask his opinion about it and he replies with "my opinion doesn't matter." So I responded with "Yes it does. And I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know." And then I decided it's not worth the battle right now. I can't make him love himself. So not what I needed. I really didn't want to deal with his issues this morning too. Praying so hard.

Lord give me strength. 

I will keep smiling and keep excelling. 

Lifestyle change is going well. I am so tempted to emotional eat right now but by the grace of God I am resisting.

Why is it SO hard to get motivated to exercise? Anyone have any ideas?

Until next time.